South Park was right, Indy was raped

Back in late February/early March I was flying back to the states from my deployment and had a very long layover in Doha. While I was there, I watched Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I hated it so much I had to stop periodically and jot down all the dumb, lest the next even bigger dumb eclipse in my mind all the flaws before. The following are my short hand notes copy and pasted, because I’m too lazy to expand on the thoughts and I’m tired of having the .txt file cluttering up my desktop. If you haven’t seen the movie, good for you! And remember, this isn’t a review; this is what you would have heard me shouting at the screen if we were in the theater together.

  • Indy 4 is CRAP, and it’s crap the first time through. (Ed.- I didn’t even have to wait to hate it later once I thought about things. Ok, now it’s all copy/paste.)
  • I thought this was a LucasFilm! Doesn’t he own ILM? Why does the CGI all look so awful?
  • Russians instead of Nazis to explain his age difference, time etc. was good.
  • It was also good when you saw the warehouse- the reveal was enough of a nod to the end of Raiders.
  • But apparently they had to ham-fist it and show you the Arc just in case you didn’t get it. SUBTLE nods are clever. Blatant reveals are dumb film making.
  • If the box was magnetized, why weren’t their guns sticking?
  • If there’s no water in the mock-up house, why is there electricity and Howdy Doody on TV? And then why is there water spraying in the yards of the other houses?
  • EVERY bit of scenery looks fake. This is really maddening.
  • OSS?! COLONEL Jones?!?! When did he join the military? He was a history teacher!
  • At least they got the appropriately weird-looking Cate Blanchett as a villain. Man that chick has a freaky face.
  • Wow. 28 minutes in. And I hated this movie BEFORE Shia LeBoef showed up. This should be interesting.
  • Why would the head pop off a bronze statue?
  • Every time they drift the rear end of the motorcycle I become convinced that Spielberg/Lucas are just copying stunts they saw in better movies.
  • Ninja-monkey parkour skeletons and blowdarts are now apparently pointy and poisoned on both ends. God this is dumb.
  • CGI scorpions on Shia’s crotch. This move suffers from perpetual over-the-topness.
  • What would possess an archaeologist to cut open a mummy in the field? And how did the Soviets find ’em?
  • Space aliens. Frickin’ space aliens in an Indiana Jones movie.
  • The snake and quicksand scene, however? Hilarious.
  • And back to CGI with the forest cutter. Seriously, why does it all look so fake? It’s like watching Sky Captain.
  • Thoroughly unexciting vehicle chase through the jungle. This movie just sucks. But credit where it’s due: at least they brought back Karen Allen and made Indy the old guy in Sean Connery’s role, somewhat. Conceptually sound.
  • Then they start fencing in the jungle car chase and it just looks like crap. And Shia LeBouef is vine-swinging, while Karen Allen just disappears…
  • Who the hell story boarded this sequence?!?!
  • I said this before and it’s even truer now: perpetual over-the-topness. It’s just bad. The waterfall sequence. The slapstick with which they drove into the water and branch smacked Soviets off the cliff.
  • Whoever really made this completely sacrificed story for gags. It’s like watching the Star Wars prequels over again. Why? WHY?!?!
  • Indy and Marion go from estranged to “babe” and “sweetheart” in no time flat.
  • “I’m a double agent!” “Oh, ok! I believe you!” and how many tracking devices does he have? What’s she using to track them all? Why doesn’t he just wear one that keeps tracking as he moves? RETARDED!!!
  • Frickin’ space aliens. And now there’s an ocean on top of a mountain depending on the view at the end?! WTF?!?!
  • This is getting close to rivaling G.I. Joe as the worst movie I’ve ever seen. Not that bad, but close.
  • And the climax was really lame. I’ve felt more emotional impact from video games. The CGI in them was more life-like.
  • There are moments of such brilliance. They’re very few and far between. Actually, just the beginning and the end. Everything else was just a waste.
  • John Williams’ score and Harrison Ford alone do not an Indiana Jones move make.

Remember when movies didn’t treat the audience like a complete moron? Spartan is likely the smartest movie I’ve seen in the past ten years and it hurts my soul that Indy 4 has a 77% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes (when Spartan only garners 65%). I fear Idiocracy is already well on it’s way to fulfillment.

5 thoughts on “South Park was right, Indy was raped

  1. Also, the thing that kept bugging me…the crystal skulls are real artifacts. They exist. They look like regular human skulls, only the movie decided they should be misshapen and alien. It’s like the actual Holy Grail had been found, then Lucas decided to make it a completely different color, and also made of space metal.

  2. I can explain the CGI for you in one word: Windows LOL
    Definitley the worst of the series.
    Not as bad as “Palmetto” starring Woody Harrelson. (The only movie I ever walked out on.)

    • I remember sitting all the way through Palmetto, but I couldn’t tell you why or what it was about now. Pretty forgettable flick, in the end. I just saw Expendables 2 and I’m planning on seeing Premium Rush and Hit & Run tomorrow. Maybe some more movie reviews to come…?

  3. I must admit (as a 3D ‘VUE’ Artist) that it looks like they just used the cheap example trees that come with the virtual cinematic world design software. When I create an environment, (even for volunteering my Art for a student or Independent film) I make sure to use high-rez custom trees! The volumetric Lighting (the Rays of light coming through the trees) was pretty good, more subtle effect would have made it spectacular though,,…

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